Happy Birthday to Me!


There's a scene in "Iron Man 2" where Tony Stark is getting ready for his birthday, and he asks his new assistant -- Natasha Romanoff, still undercover as Natalie Rushman -- a contemplative question. "What would you do if you knew it was your last birthday," he asks (I know I don't have the quote exactly right, but that's not the point). Her response: "I'd do whatever I wanted, with whoever I wanted to do it with."

Well, here we are, for my 30th birthday. I don't KNOW that it'll be my last birthday, but I don't know that it won't be either. No day is ever promised to us. However, I'm not Tony Stark, so I don't have the means to do "whatever I want, with whoever I want". But what if I did...


Well, my "whatever I want" birthday would start with waking up in a penthouse hotel room overlooking Times Square, as Miss Romanoff -- a.k.a ScarJo herself -- delivered a breakfast of eggs, bacon and a mimosa. We'd eat on the balcony, while watching the city come to life in the morning.

After finishing up, I'd take a long shower in one of those huge room-sized walk-in showers, with "SportsCenter" on in the in-bathroom LCD TV. I'd then put on a nice black pinstriped suit with a matching black shirt and red tie and head down the elevator, where a stretch limo would be waiting at the door for me. I'd get in the limo where I'd find my closest friends waiting for me to join them on a 5th Avenue shopping spree.

After we were done hitting our favorite shops -- and to clarify, MY favorite 5th Avenue shops include the NBA Store, the Apple Store, FAO Schwarz and some small sneaker boutiques, not Macy's and Saks -- we'd take a private yacht out to Liberty Island where we'd have a lunch of the finest pizza New York had to offer.

From there we'd take a helicopter to JFK Airport, where we'd get on a private jet, one that very much resembled Tony's private jet from "Iron Man" (the one with the stripper-desses and the non-stop flowing alcohol). After the 1 PM Eastern Time takeoff, we'd land in Los Angeles at 4 PM Pacific Time. Another limo would be waiting for us on the tarmac, ready to take us to the Arclight Theater in Hollywood, where we'd watch a private early screening of "Toy Story 3".

After that, the limo would take us to the Santa Monica Pier, which would be closed off for a private concert by Britney Spears. Rather than just re-hash the Circus Tour (which I've already seen five times), Britney would perform a custom set list determined entirely by me. After the two hour show, the after-party would really get started, with DJ Jazzy Jeff on the 1s and 2s, spinning into the night. Just before midnight, the lovely Miss Johansson (in full Natasha Romanoff costume, including the red hair) and I would share a toast, then a kiss as fireworks lit up the night sky over the Pacific Ocean.

So... now that I've spelled out the "whatever I want with whoever I want" scenario, what will I ACTUALLY be doing in a few hours? Well, I'll still be having the same breakfast, except I'll be having it in my condo in Manchester. After that? I'm playing it by ear, but you're all welcome to join me. That right, all my blog readers, Twitter followers, Facebook friends and random Internet people who might stumble upon this. Stay plugged in to my blog and my Twitter feed and I'll post the up-to-the-minute birthday festivities as they happen.

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