More Retales of Truth

Including the rest of today, there are four shopping days left before Christmas, days which are sure to be even more of a clusterfuck due to the storm that hit the East Coast this weekend (we actually didn’t get hit too bad up here in Central Connecticut, but I can pretty much guarantee there was no shopping going on in New York, Philly, Baltimore, D.C., etc.).

Despite the rare weekend respite -- some of my friends who work in retail report that their stores, if open at all, were completely dead yesterday -- we have officially entered the stretch run of Christmas shopping. Back when I worked in retail, we called these last few days “WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN FOR THE LAST MONTH?! YOU COULD HAVE DONE ALL THIS WEEKS AGO! I HATE YOU!” or something along those lines.

I know I shouldn’t be too critical, since I once waited until Dec. 24 to do all my Christmas shopping. But, unlike most people, I knew I had to be at the mall on Christmas Eve Day (ya know, cause of that whole retail job and everything). But for the large percentage of Americans who aren’t working at a mall, why are you waiting until the last minute?

Now, understand, I’m not talking to you, guy who realized he forgot one person on his Christmas list. Nor am I talking to you, girl who just started dating a guy and feels the obligation to get him a gift (even though you’ll probably break up with him in two weeks). I’m talking to the series of fucktards who stroll into the mall on Dec. 23 with a two-page list, and then lose their fucking shit when they find out that the hottest gift of the holiday season -- the one they were planning on getting for seven different people -- is sold out everywhere.

People, it’s 2009. Internet shopping is not some fad, and it’s not going to result in someone stealing your identity and replacing it with that of a crack-addicted prostitute to destroy you (note: actual plot of “The Net”, the most dated movie ever). This year, I bought 90% of my holiday gifts online. In one case, I didn’t want to pay shipping, so I used the helpful in-store pickup option at Best Buy. My local Best Buy has special parking spaces reserved for this, and an area of the store blocked off for pickups. The entire process took five minutes. Meanwhile, just a few feet away, some douche was screaming at an employee because he couldn’t find a copy of “Harry Potter” on Blu-ray. This was almost two weeks ago. If Cpt. Douche had just ordered his movie from, he would have had it by now (and probably awhile ago) with considerably less stress.

If for some reason, you do have to go to a mall in the next few days, treat the employees with some level of respect. It’s not their fault that you waited until now to do your Christmas shopping, and it’s not their fault that everyone else on the planet wanted a fucking Hamster Zhu Zhu just like your whiny kids do (seriously, why are those stupid things popular?). And if they seem a little stressed, it’s because they’ve been dealing with people Cpt. Douche for the better part of a month, and they can almost see the end of the tunnel.