Horror and Hotties for Halloween

The annual Halloween party I usually go to isn’t happening this year, and for the 29th consecutive year I failed to score an invite to the Playboy Mansion Halloween Party, so my Saturday is wide open.

I decided to make the best of this, by having a day dedicated to Horror and Hotties (two of my favorite things). As of right now, here’s the planned movie marathon schedule for Oct. 31, 2009.

Noon - “The Craft”
Hottie rating: 6.5
I always had a weird crush on Fairuza Balk, and Robin Tunney looked solid in this one. The best hottie moment comes when Neve Campbell’s Bonnie has magically had her scars removed and shows up at school showing major skin the next day. Good times.

2pm - “I Know What You Did Last Summer”
Hottie rating: 8.5
Jennifer Love Hewitt, yes. Sarah Michelle Gellar, double yes. This movie even gives us a little extra hottie action with Bridgette Wilson as Gellar’s older sister. Only the unfortunate Anne Heche prevents this from getting into the 9 range.


4pm - “I Still Know What You Did Last Summer”

Hottie rating: 6.5

We still get Hewitt, and her breasts look even better in this one (though not as good as they look on the amazingly airbrushed poster). But then we downgrade everywhere else -- Brandy replaces SMG in the second lead role, which is like going from... well, from Sarah Michelle Gellar to Brandy. Even Jennifer Esposito, as the random extra hottie, isn’t as hot as Wilson.


6pm - “Scream”

Hottie rating: 9.5

This movie is LOADED with hotties. Drew Barrymore may only be in the opening scene, but she looks amazing. Then we get a young, nubile Neve Campbell in the lead role, and the incredibly underrated Rose McGowan (aside: I still miss “Charmed”) in the second role. Even Courtney Cox is looking solid, though you have to block out the constant reminder that she ended up marrying David Arquette.


8pm - “Scream 2”

Hottie rating: 10

Campbell is still around, still looking amazing. Then we go from McGowan to Gellar (YES!) in the secondary role. Plus, the sorority house setting results in all kinds of random hotness -- including both Rebecca Gayheart and Portia de Rossi, both in their mid-20s at the time. Oh, and be sure not to miss Heather Graham as “Casey” in the movie-within-a-movie, “Stab”.


10pm - “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)”

Hottie rating: 5

Jessica Biel has to carry this movie’s hottie score almost single-handedly (and, trust me, she’s fully capable of doing so). Erica Leerhsen falls more into the “cutie” category, and no one is hot when they get sawed in half by a guy in a mask made of human skin. Lauren German has become something of a hottie in recent years, but she’s far from it as the crazy hitchhiker in this one. Still, it’s worth the watch for Biel.


Midnight - “Wrong Turn”

Hottie rating: 7.5

This one has Eliza Dushku (my current favorite TV hottie), Emmanuelle Chriqui (Sloan from “Entourage”) and Lindy Booth, though Booth bites it pretty early in the movie. Dushku makes it the distance, because, as you’ll notice, the uber-hottie never dies (with the exception of Gellar, who got screwed in both “I Know What You Did Last Summer” and “Scream 2”, but got her revenge weekly on “Buffy”).


I’m open to changes in this schedule, but again, the idea is Horror+Hotties -- so no “Exorcist” or anything like that, where the movie is insanely scary but doesn’t feature hotties. Also, if you want to stop by at any point during the marathon, consider this your open invitation.

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