Series of Tubes #1.9 - Gossip Girl and the NBA

So, the other day, my buddy Lisa and I were discussing the Cavaliers and I was giving her some info on LeBron James against the Celtics, and at one point I offhandedly mentioned “I can also give you a detailed breakdown of the Dan/Serena relationship”.

Of course, me being me, I actually did it, using all kinds of sports analogies in the process. Then, I realized, you can compare every character on Gossip Girl to his/her NBA equivalent. So I broke it down:

Serena van der Woodsen = Kobe Bryant
- Both are among the best, and both have sordid incidents in their past that haunt them

Blair Waldorf = LeBron James
- Probably better than Serena all-around, but doesn't have the same desire for spotlight or accolades

Dan Humphrey = Derek Fisher
- less than average (Fisher's career PER is around 12) but considered better due to favorable associations

Jenny Humphrey = Darius Miles
- Peaked too young, still trying to be involved in everything despite evidence that no one wants her/him around

Rufus Humphrey = Phil Jackson
- The Zen Master

Lily Bass (nee van der Woodsen) = Larry Brown
- The chronic divorcee

Eleanor Waldorf = Pat Riley
- Best days long in the past, still trying to take credit for other people's work

Cyrus Rise = Stan Van Gundy
- In Eleanor's/Riley's shadow. Not good looking, but just gets the job done

Chuck Bass = Rasheed Wallace
- His talent lies in his self-destruction

Nate Archibald = Chauncey Billups
- Underappreciated for a long time, but a glue guy who is loyal and makes things happen (and yes, I’m only including active/semi-active people, otherwise Nate Archibald would definitely be hall-of-famer Nate “Tiny” Archibald)

Vanessa Abrams = Bonzi Wells
- In the right situation, a good supporting character. In the wrong situation, a disaster
(this was the one I had the hardest time coming up with... and I’m still not entirely sold on it, so I’m open to suggestions).
Dorota = Anderson Varejao
-Bit player who is good at what she/he does, but wouldn't be noticed if not for Blair/LeBron

Eric van der Woodsen = Andrew Bynum
- Young, was away for a long stretch, but definitely shows promise

Georgina Sparks = Shaquille O'Neal
- Once good friends with Serena/Kobe, now enemies

Aaron Rose = Stephon Marbury
- Talented, but too much drama to be taken seriously

Gossip Girl = True Hoop
- The ultimate blog

This will forever change how I watch this show. Yes, I have way too much time on my hands. And yes, I’m insane. I understand that.